There's An Owlbear in the Privy
An AD&D (a registered trademark of TSR, now owned by Wizards of the Coast) children's story

by Brandon Thorne (Dirk)
Copyright 1997

Permission granted for GMs to have little old ladies tell this story to the PCs. Honest, I won't sue.

Mom always said there's no such thing as monsters. But there's an owlbear in the privy.

Mom says it's just my imagination, but I know he's in there. He only comes out when my parents are asleep. That's why they never see him.

The owlbear is always getting me in trouble. When he eats the bread in the pantry, I get blamed. When he tracks dirt into the kitchen, mom makes me sweep it up.
The owlbear likes bread. The owlbear likes to play outside. I don't like the owlbear.

Sometimes the owlbear hides my cloak. Mom says that's not an excuse, and I still need to wear it if I'm going to go outside to play. I bet the owlbear thinks that's pretty funny. Boy, do I hate that owlbear.

One time the owlbear ripped my cloak when he hid it. Mom yelled at me, and made me sew it back up myself. I hate sewing up my cloak. Then the owlbear hid it again! That owlbear sure has some nerve.

Another time the owlbear spilled a bag of grain in the living room, and I had to clean it up. This made me so mad that I dumped it all in the privy. The owlbear sure didn't like that.
Neither did my parents. I had to clean it up again. Yuck.

My dad doesn't believe in the owlbear, either. When I get scared, he takes me into the privy to show me that there's no owlbear.
The owlbear is really good at hiding.

When I go hunting with dad, the owlbear follows us, and scares away all the animals. Dad says that I'm too noisy, but I'm quiet enough to hear the owlbear snicker.
Dad doesn't take me hunting very often anymore.
I wish he'd shoot the owlbear.

Sometimes I wish I was an adventurer, so I could kill the owlbear. When I told dad, he laughed and said that I wasn't big enough to be an adventurer, especially one that could kill an owlbear. I think it heard that, because it started going into my room at night to scare me.
It also let the dog into my room.
I got blamed for that, too.

I don't think parents can see owlbears. Maybe it's because they don't want to see them. Maybe they just can't remember how to. Maybe they can't.
I wish they could, though.

There's an owlbear in the privy.

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j n m ( m n j )
"I wish Harold'd stop blowing things up...
he's going to hurt someone someday."
-- Prince Holbrook of Amber, as played by the LintKing