Who's this Mortijingle Guy, Anyway?
Words from the High Priest of Mortijingle
K. Mark Lintz

A magazine of nefarious jocularity is all well and good (great, actually, if you ask me), but there's a deeper, sinister, amusing purpose behind JNM as well.

Actually, behind JNM(mnj), there isn't; it's for humorous gaming articles, and jig noir melt Productions is for parodies, primarily. But some of you may have read the bit our glorious editor put up regarding where the name jig noir melt came from in the first place last month. For the rest: Mortijingle. Yes, Hyun...Mortijingle. Mortijingle the Hun, is what I was saying there...wouldn't get caught up by some cheap advertising gimmick.

What I'm getting at here is, as High Priest of Mortijingle, I felt there ought to be a column describing what we Mortijinglists believe and why, and to announce new products. In a reverent sense, of course.

By way of introductions, I'll first note that when it comes down to it, I'm an athiest. Mortijingle doesn't mind, of course; it's amusing, having an athiest High Priest, and apart from being an athiest, I've come to believe in him, in an odd sort of way. (It's impossible to live with Mam'zelle Barry for any length of time and not become a firm believer in the irony inherent in the universe...)

As the Lord of Death and Humor, Mortijingle touches on virtually everything, for two reasons. The first being, naturally, that everything is dying - some things faster than others, but it's a basic fact. The second being, then, that everything is funny, looked at right. There's a school of thought that "some things cannot be joked about". It's always, even before Mortijingle, been my feeling that these are the things that MOST need a little humor.

Anyway, this being a beginning, it seems an appropriate place to explain our creation myth...

In the Beginning was the Word, and the Word was...Oops.

There are two general schools of thought to the origins of the Universe. Evolutionists say, "The idea that someone could comprehend something so complex is ludicrous; it must be natural accident." Creationists retort, "The idea that something so complex could happen by accident is ludicrous; it must be conscious creation." Mortijinglists believe that both are right. The Universe came into being specifically BECAUSE it's so ludicrous. We choose ludicrousness as the centerpiece of our creation myth because it's the only common thread running through virtually every origin theory currently put forth.

You see, scientists, in their diligent search for the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, have fallen short of the mark. What we need is not the ion, but the iron (eye-rawn) - the ultimate, indivisible unit of irony. Irons permeate all of existance, and explain a lot. Gravity, for example, is a simple function of Murphy's Law - by pulling masses together, it ensures the maximum possible of things that might go wrong. The Second Law of Thermodynamics? What could be more ironic than the knowledge that virtually every movement brings us a bit closer to the ultimate death of everything? (Do you know how much energy creating new things burns up? Mortijinglist experts calculate that creative people have brought the final heat death of the universe nearly twenty thousand years closer than it would have been without them, counting women who give birth and patients who chew gum and walk at the same time. And THEN you find out that you can't ever really create, just mutate...) And do I even need to rehash the Theory of Relativity? ("The further away your in-laws are, the happier you are.")

In general, the more complicated a thing, the more irons it's composed of. Your basic rock, for example, isn't terribly unlikely, and required minimal irons to gather it together and hold it in place. Your basic solar system, on the other, is a delicate balance of forces all interacting just perfectly for billions of years which really ought to go flinging out in every direction. Wait, sorry - that's rocks, too. Bear with me here, this is a new science and we haven't yet perfected the Ironometers. Silly things keep detecting precisely the same amount of irony in literally everything, including parts of things. (I have just as much irony in my little finger as I have in my whole body.)

Ah, well. C'est la mort.

If there's anything you'd like to know about the Mystic Teachings of Mortijingle the Sophomoric, just ask me and I'll pass the query along. Please note that Mortijingle is -NOT- Ann Landers; He has no particular thoughts on whether your children need to be jailed in a maximum security isolation wing, or if enrolling them in the APARMS(*) Pill-A-Day program might do the trick. This column is for serious contemplations on the fundamental questions of the universe. Heh.

[* - American Psychological Association and Ritalin Manufacturers Society, Inc.; a for-lots-of-profit group.]

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j n m ( m n j )
"It's hard to be engaged to vapour."
-- Princess Krrsed.