Pay for a Little Play
by K. M. Lintz (the LintKing!)

Almost every GM with a player group averaging in age anywhere over about 12 has had the problem. How DO you get them to stop screwing around long enough to actually pay attention to the adventure you spent the last twelve months laboring over every detail on?

"You're in the tavern, and the serving wench brings your drinks."
"Is she cute?" they ask.

"You're breaking into the R&D department, and the security guard shoots at you."
"Is she cute?" they ask.

"Your cyberdoc straps you down to the counter and begins sawing off your left arm without anesthetic."
"Is he cute?" they ask.

At first, answering, "No" to these incessant queries seems like a plausible answer...but if you don't provide attractive, available NPCs for them, they'll just start pairing off amongst themselves.

"The thief has picked the lock to the door. Do you open it?"
"Mmph, in a minute, when I'm done necking with the mage," they answer.

"The Illuminati is clearly on to you, and through your window you see two burly looking men in blue suits enter the building. Where do you hide?"
"Mmph, in the closet, where I'm necking with the hacker anyway," they answer.

"The Net crashes and Electroencephaloniac jacks out. Electro?"
"Mmph, in a minute, when the samurai realizes I'm conscious and stops necking with me," they answer.

There's just no controlling it. Oh, granted, in a LARP, lots of careless sex has a way of taking care of itself after a while. I mean, who ever heard of a pregnant vampire? But tabletop, or on line...they'll boff like rabbits, and leave you no formal recourse. Yes, we at jig noir melt Productions feel your pain, and have painstakingly worked out a few ideas which, if implemented, may just help combat this irrepressible vicarious hormonal release. We give you here, for a variety of different systems, a sampling of things that might go wrong...and suffice to say our use of `pain' twice in one sentence wasn't accidental.

AD&D: Tasha's Hideous Uncontrollable Rash

PCs engaging in unprotected sex must save vs. Poison (with a negative modifier equal to the number of times they've done it THIS session, double if they insist on going into detail) or contract this disease, which, well, is a hideous uncontrollable rash. Pretty soon their entire body will be reddened and puffy and itch like crazy and they won't be able to wear anything but padded armor. Only a Wish spell can cure this, but since that entails killing billions of innocent virii, it's not a valid use of the spell anyway.

Amber: Chaos Chlamydia

Everyone knows that in Amber, offspring only happen when the GM wants to be especially cruel...but in Amber, parents usually kill their kids off within minutes after they're born anyway, if not sooner, on account of that intolerable squalling. It's a complete mystery how the PCs made it, the way they treat their own children. So sex is widely regarded as perfectly safe - the worst possible consequence is just a little infanticide, and after all the fratricide, sororicide, matricide, patricide, grandpatricide, greatgrandpatricide, greatgrandunicornicide, etc. going on, that's pretty small potatos. Chaos Chlamydia, however, which can strike regardless of Endurance or Good Stuff, is a terrible disease which can cause fever, intense pain, and, most dangerous of all, bleeding while walking the Pattern.

Cyberpunk: Mononucleosis Overdrive

Too, too many foolish hackers/netrunners/matrixians/etc. consider cybersex perfectly safe. These naive folks have never heard of this Grey Ice, which roams the 'Net searching for icons engaged in what its designers could only call "Rampant interpersonal relations." This virus infects the Cyberdeck, slowing its reaction speeds and inducing lethargy in your icon, while at the same time using biofeedback to induce yet -further- hormonal need...putting the pair in a near frenzy of need while disrupting their ability to do anything about it.

In Nomine: Symphonillis

This terrible disease, known to have afflicted many Archangels and Demon Princes in the past, is most easily contracted by those having sex in Celestial form, though it can be passed between Celestials in either the Corporeal or Ethereal realms as well. Whenever the GM decides a player is at risk, the PC makes a d666 roll with a target number equal to double their Forces in whatever Realm they're in. A failure with a check digit of 6, a success with a check digit of 1, or a hostile intervention, results in infection. The disease causes a gradual degeneration of the Celestial's connection with the Symphony (or their personal Symphony, in the case of a demon); every 24 hours, at the same time they regain Essence, they also make a Resonance roll minus the number of times they've had sex that day - if it fails, they get a point of Dissonance as the Symphonillis acts up.

RIFTS: Giant Radioactive Crabs From Another Dimension

And you thought regular crabs were annoying. Every now and then, two people enjoying themselves generate such emotional intensity that a Rift opens in the weakened reality - this is doubly likely if you're doing it on a leyline, though Ley Line Walkers insist the tingly sensation is worth the risk. When this happens, giant radioactive crabs come through and attack. These are not only bigger than you, they also have MDC armor shells and do 5d6 MDC damage with each attack and always come in hoards. They're also really, really, gross.

Shadowrun: Harpies

Another disease that can strike at even the hardiest, without warning. It usually occurs right in the middle..or, rather, towards the end...of sex. There are actually two forms of Harpies. In what's known as Congenital Harpies, your mother in law drops by for a visit just before that `critical moment'. Having her own key, she just walks right in and straight to the bedroom to say `hi' and criticize your decor and, of course, whoever she finds you in bed with. In the lesser form, Oral Harpies, she just calls on the phone, using her high-tech, black market cyberdeck to bypass any blocks you might have - like leaving the phone off the hook - and directly activates the vidphone and...well, criticizes your decor and whoever she finds you in bed with. Neither magic nor cyberwear has found a way to combat this dread menace - all are vulnerable. Even those without a mother-in-law have a maiden aunt Agnes who does the same thing.

White Wolf Storyteller: Yeats Infection

Those afflicted by this terrible affliction become immersed in tragic poetry, cloaking themselves in affectatious gloom and speaking in slow, rhythmic, ponderous tones. Likely side effects include paleness, a tendancy to hiss at strangers for no apparent reason, and the sincere belief that squinting makes you look dangerous. It's unknown whether this disease is rampant or almost unheard of because, well, no one can really tell.

Bunnies and Burrows: None

Sorry, can't help ya here. They ARE rabbits.

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j n m ( m n j )
"How can you say no to that?
`True to your heritage,' -- what the hell is that supposed to mean?
Who the hell talks like that? I guess Dad does."
-- an except from Riggs played by CrackerJack