Who's this Mortijingle Guy, Anyway?

Words from the High Priest of Mortijingle
K. Mark Lintz

Alright, so I'm sitting over here thinking to myself, "What's keeping people? C'mon--we're an AWFUL lot more fun than most of those -other- religions, shouldn't we be rivalling Buddhism by now?" And the answer came to me, in a sudden flash.

But since the answer was, "Don't be ridiculous," I sent it on its way, and kept looking. After a bit of soul searching, I finally turned up the obvious reason why our flock of devout Mortijinglists isn't growing as fast as Scientology, despite the fact that we're absolutely free and a lot more enlightening.

Holidays! Even the Scientologists have managed to get themselves an official holiday in thirty some states! Well, no WONDER, then.

Alas, not having the political and financial clout (free, remember?) to wrangle ourselves so much as ONE measly State Representative for our pockets, we're left with the tried and true option of, basically, stealing other people's. But...whose?

While we were looking at tried and true options, naturally my first thought was to just rip off the old Pagan days; that method has proven awfully successful in the past, after all. But it HAS been done, and it's probably tacky by now.

There are the Jewish holidays, which have that potential for getting extra days out of school for the kids, but it means dealing with a calendar that not only fluctuates from "defective" to "perfect" years, but ALSO inserts a whole -MONTH- once in a while to keep up with the Sun. I'll just stick with leap year, thanks - I have enough trouble remembering to change the clocks for Daylight Savings.

And then, at last, sheer brilliance. The GOVERNMENT. I mean, it's only fair, and has the added bonus that they'll match up nicely with our days off...

So, without further ado, here's the Mortijinglian Calendar of Holidays, each backed by a long standing tradition and vitally important meaning, and if we made a couple of them up just now...heck, EVERYONE had to, once. It wasn't so long ago people were snorting, "Winter solstice? C'mon, man, it's COLD out there...it's not like people've been doing this for thousands of years or something." Yet here we are, thousands of years later. {Okay, that was a -little- further ado, but...NOW.}

April First: All Fools' New Year

Yes, we have our very own New Year. But who doesn't, these days? This is a time to celebrate that the sacred fools are needed all year, not just one day. A time to remember that you can't REALLY laugh at anyone else until you learn to laugh at yourself, and, of course, our sacred duty to remind other people of this, too.

May First: May Day

Hey - anything that's both a celebration of new life *AND* an international distress signal is absolutely cool by us. We like to dance naked around the maypole and then dissolve into a nice orgy. We'd LIKE to, but the apartment gets a little crowded for all the running around, and frankly, we jiggle in the wrong places for any kind of naked dancing. We're aiming for a tradition of buxom redheads who dance naked around the maypole FOR us, kind of an in effigy sort of thing. It's worth a try. Priests of Vesta got their virgins, after all.

May 30th: War Is Bad Day

Well, it IS. On the regular "Memorial Day" held at the same time, people like to gather round and think about the people who've died in various wars, without drawing the obvious conclusions -- easier to go on about how noble it was and how we'd do it again ourselves in a heartbeat, or rather, loss thereof, than to admit that frankly, it never should've happened and the reasons for it never should've happened and the whole thing was just a mess. WE tend to feel that a time of remembrance is kind of pointless if no one learns from it, and use this day not only to mourn and appreciate those who've fallen in stupidities past, but also to reaffirm our commitment to being darned sure if WE ever call a jihad, it will involve cream pies.

July 4th: National Darwin Day

Explosives. Beer. In the middle of summer, when everything's dry and flammable. What can I say? Mortijingle wishes he'd thought of this one himself. It's just a shame that all the idiots who shoot guns randomly into the air as though a bullet is going to make escape velocity tend to kill other people, rather than themselves. {Okay, so in a broad sense, this IS rocket science, but it's EASY rocket science.}

First Monday in September: Minimum Wage Day

Actually, this isn't terribly funny, but it IS a day off work, and having almost everyone lounging around the house watching TV on the day set aside to honor labor is at least a little ironic, so that's ok. Just try not to think too hard on the economic realities of it all.

October 31st: Peanut Butter Taffy Day

I'm not sure if this is a problem for anyone else, but this is the ONLY time of year that we can ever find peanut butter taffy. When you DO find it, make sure it's the good kind, with actual peanut butter - the fake plasticky stuff is awful, and thereby heretical. So we've set aside a day to curl up with a big bowl of candy and munch. And, okay, grudgingly dole some out if some obnoxious kids come around asking for it, if only because your obnoxious kids might be out there doing the same thing someday. Give more for homemade costumes, even if they're not as snazzy...it shows spirit. Oh, and speaking of spirits, rumor has it they're up and about today, but face it...it's really all about the candy.

November 1st: Go Back To Your Grave This Instant, Young Man Day

For those spirits who actually got themselves up on the 31st, whether in hopes of getting themselves some peanut butter taffy or for more nefarious purposes, this is the day they're supposed to go lie down again. It's also known as "Oog, I Shouldn't Have Had That Last Jellybean Day". Since both names are kind of unwieldy, it's not widely celebrated, but that's okay...who really celebrates All Saints Day, either?

Fourth Friday of November: Leftover Turkey Day

A particularly exciting holiday. We're proud of this one. Quite cleverly, we've arranged that not only does this always come right before a weekend, but most people (in the U.S., anyway) get the day *BEFORE* off, too. Lots of religions have holidays where you get the day after off, if it happens to fall on a Thursday, but to my knowledge, we're the only people who get something this snazzy. The only downside is, you're expected to spend that day before pretending you actually know AND like your family, and the week after eating Turkey sandwiches three meals a day. C'est la Mort.

December 25th: Jesus Josephson's Birthday, Observed

I can't actually claim I ever MET the guy, but we're in more or less the same business, so I thought he deserved a mention. Since he's not around to celebrate, we all give the presents we got to each other, instead, and the cake gets a miss entirely. Some few who got missed on July 4th put a dry tree in their livingroom and light candles in it, and that usually takes care of the stragglers.

December 31st/January 1st: Final Flings Day

It's more or less traditional around here to make up a list of all the things you really enjoy, and promise to give them up. This struck us almost instantly as a tradition that could, itself, be given up, or at least taken a bit more honestly. So we make up a list of things we enjoy and, without actually PROMISING anything, spend the last day of December enjoying them to their fullest as IF we were giving them up afterwards. You know, party like it's the end of the world, and all that. Then, on the first, we look mildly sheepish as we do at least one of them almost immediately after midnight, shrug, and say in a clear voice, "Oh, well, guess that's blown it. Shucky darn." Then, with a clear conscience, we can live our lives happily until the next Final Flings Day, when we do it all again. Whee! Confetti is also encouraged, and it's the last scheduled chance of the calendar year for weeding out drunk drivers from the gene pool.

January 14th: High Priest Appreciation Day

Well, it's not nationally recognized YET, but it would be if I had made up all that Scientologist stuff. This is just a day when people really ought to be nice to me. I'm working on mandatory smooches from buxom redheads as well, but Mortijingle hasn't cleared it yet unless I cut him in for a share.

February 14th: Skimpy Lingerie Day

As a general exercise in sociology, this day, in the name of true love, seems set aside specifically to highlight the losers. In our book, it's mainly just a good excuse to dress up in skimpy lingerie and curl up in front of a movie, whether or not you've actually got someone to do it with. 'Course, in our book, people should be doing this on a regular basis, anyway. (Did I mention buxom redheads?)

First Sunday after the First Full Moon after the Vernal Equinox: Mutant Rabbit Day

You've just GOT to love the way they schedule this one. That's the way holidays should be planned. Personally, I enjoy the buildup to it, too, with all the little sub-holidays in the week before it...though I'm afraid that as it's planned, we'll never have a Good Friday the 13th. On the downside, our elite team of researchers in the Theological Queries and Conundrums Department have thoroughly debunked the myth of the rabbit that goes about hiding eggs. We're not -quite- certain what it actually is, but have it narrowed down to one of two things. It's either a platypus with fake bunny ears and a pogo stick, or a duck with fake bunny ears and a fur coat. Either way, it eats way too much junk food - I don't even WANT to know how many preservatives it must be taking in to lay hard boiled eggs like that.

Forty-one Days Before the First Sunday After the First Full Moon after the Spring Solstice: Forty Days of Lint

Though this actually starts over a month before Mutant Rabbit Day, it's all FOR Mutant Rabbit Day, so it gets listed after. You see, we're actually leaning strongly towards the duck-with-rabbit-ears-and-fur-coat theory. Specifically, we suspect it's the Harlequin Duck, for two reasons. 1) "Harlequin" is a cool name for a species of duck; and 2) They already do weird things like migrating east-west rather than north-south, so ascribing other odd traits - such as laying hard-boiled eggs, painting them in bright patterns, and secreting them around people's houses once a year - isn't such a big deal.

Which leaves the question...where do they get their fur coats? Hopefully these aren't REAL fur coats - Mortijingle is nothing if not ecologically sustainable. (And please note that NONE of our holidays have been tested on animals!) So, in the spirit of recycling, we've implemented the Forty Days of Lint. During these forty days, it is important that all celebrants of Mutant Rabbit Day gather and store all the lint they can..from the wash, from bellybuttons and toes, even from pockets...and, great sacrifice though it be, on the day before Mutant Rabbit Day (this would be the first Saturday after the first full moon after the Spring Solstice), set our balls of lint out in the trash so that the Mutant Rabbits can gather them up and make from them their fur coats and run-on sentences. It's especially important that they have their coats through the winter, because they have to be kept warm enough or their eggs come out poached. And so may the cycle be continued, and the egg salad sandwiches made.

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j n m ( m n j )
"Make sure your actions are justified
... or at least create a justification."
-- The N. Machiavelli Guide to GameMastering