Knightmare Chess Suggested Cards

by K. M. Lintz

Knightmare chess is a cool addition to chess, if you don't mind that step back from the pure strategy that chess is. But we at jnm(mnj) just felt that it wasn't quite, well..chaotic enough. And it's far too serious. In that vein, we'd like to make a few modest proposals for new cards...

Transvestite (5 points)
Allows your King to move and capture like a Queen for this turn.

Wife-Swapping (6 points)
Swap the positions of the Queens on the board.

Banana Peel (3 points)
Play after your opponent has moved a Bishop, Queen, or Rook three or more squares. On the third square, they slip and fall; they stop there and may not move next turn, and if that square is at the edge of the board, they fall off and are considered `captured'.

Whoopie Cushion (5 points)
Play after your opponents move; the piece they just moved ends on a whoopie cushion, and is so embarrassed they may not move next turn. Pawns, who are accustomed to humiliation, are unaffected.

Hare Krishna (7 points)
One of your pawns engages any adjacent enemy piece in never-ending conversation; your opponent may not move that piece until either you move the pawn, or they kill it. If they DO capture the pawn, it is considered `dead', not merely `captured'; there's just no other way to shut him up.

Stink Bomb (3 points)
Mark one square on the board adjacent to any of your pawns; no piece from either side may end its move there for the rest of the game. (Pawns, who follow Knights in all the parades, are excepted.)

Blackmail (8 points)
By threatening to release those controversial `choir boy' photos, you may force an enemy bishop to not move for 1 turn, even if they're at risk of getting captured.

Supergerm (10 points)
Your opponent immediately loses 25 million population. Retributive strike allowed.

Drunken Priest (6 points)
Play at the end of your turn; mark one Bishop, yours or your opponents. It now moves in zig-zags instead of diagonals.

Clown Trick (8 points)
All your pawns, including captured (but not dead) ones, suddenly climb out of and gather around one of your Rooks. Said Rook must be on your half of the board and have eight empty spaces around it.

Godzilla (7 points)
Entice a cat to walk (or run, or roll over) across the board. Any pieces, of either side, knocked over by this are considered captured.

Tesseract (10 points)
Expand the board into fifth dimensional space. Extrapolate piece moves from there. This can be a little complicated, I know, so here are some quick examples based upon the knight (the tricksiest);

Two Dimensional - just like usual, two squares one way and one another. (eg E2-F4)
Three Dimensional - two levels up and one square over, or two squares over and one level up. (eg E2/1-E3/3)
Four Dimensional - Two hours back and one day over, or two squares up and one hour forward. (eg E2/1 on Thursday at 2:00 to E2/1 on Wednesday at 4:00, or E2/3 on Thursday at 1:00)
Fifth Dimensional: Gurglesnarp the frogsnaggle hizglup. (eg E2/1 to a small planet in M13, capturing your opponents Rook which is drifting somewhere between Uranus and Neptune on the cusp of Aquarius, spackle spackle spackle. Don't forget your towel.)

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j n m ( m n j )
"It goes chigga-chigga-chigga, instead of blourp-blourp-blourp."
-- The Fool and Haut Gout doing sound effect differences
between powdered creamer and the liquid versions.